Your kid may be an honors
student, but you're still an idiot.
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Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
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I brake for no apparent reason.
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Learn from your parents' mistakes -
use birth control.
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Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
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We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
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He who laughs last thinks slowest.
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Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
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It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
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Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
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Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
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Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
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I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
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Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
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Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons.
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Born free...Taxed to death.
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The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
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Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
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I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
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Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
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All men are idiots, and I married their King.
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Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
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Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
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I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
vegetarian.
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Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
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If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
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Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
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No radio - Already stolen.
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Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
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I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
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Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
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OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
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Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
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I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
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Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
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IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
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Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its
students.
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It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
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Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
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Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
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A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
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Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
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How can I miss you if you won't go away?
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Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
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Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
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We are born naked,wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
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Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
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Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
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Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
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Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be
happy.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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i souport publik edekashun.
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Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
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There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who
can't.
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Ever stop to think and forget to start again?